I’ve just settled in to the capital of England, glorious London.
And if you plan on visiting, here are some tips on how to not piss a Londoner off from experience.
- Keep walking. If you stop in the middle of the pavement, multiple sets of eyes will look at you as if you just gave birth to Satan.
- Do not think of buses and tubes as public transport. You’re best off going in with the mind set of ‘survival of the fittest’.
- Also no eye contact, god forbid eye contact.
- And if you spend longer then 0.002 seconds getting through ticket gates, you should basically be lynched, then and there.
- And if you bring a push chair on to public transport, be prepared for the endless tutting.
- If someone has to repeat themselves, expect passive aggression.
- Food is always served as take away, just suck it up.
- Also don’t hold a queue because you’re complaining about something, no one here in London is happy, and they’re too polite to say anything about it so just move along.
- Waiting for a Tube for longer than two minutes will cause a riot.
- Stop taking pictures of things. As an Englishman it’s only natural that they hate our country and talk it down, so please stop.
- But remember, if you are not a native don’t talk badly of London, it would cause quite the stir.
- And another tip, Boris Johnson is a buffoon, always.